Honestly Rach - May 4, 2020
I’ve been dating a guy for 3 years and he has treated me so great. Like a Queen. I love him. But I’m planning on going to law school and he wants to stay in his hometown. He doesn’t want to move with me to law school and wants me to live my dream. I don’t know what to do. I feel like we’re going in two separate directions but my heart would break if we ended things.
Dear Distant Lover:
If I may just start out with congratulating you on heading to law school! This is such an exciting time for you and the world is at your feet as you are about to venture into learning a new profession, logic, law and more about yourself. It is so great that during this time you have a significant other that supports you and your dreams. I am unsure as to how far apart you guys will be from one another, but it sounds like he supports you regardless of the distance.
Hear me out on this, but him not moving might be best for your relationship, especially for a first year law student. You would be asking him to pick up and leave his life for yours. Speaking from experience, you will be overwhelmed with the law school experience as you are trying to navigate your way through cases, reading, writing, research, notes, outlines, etc. After you attend class, study groups, and self-study, you will barely have enough time for yourself let alone your boyfriend. It is imperative that you have a strong foundation going into law school so your relationship can withstand the pressures that come with law school. It sounds like with three years under your belt you have established this with your boyfriend. To be honest, I was in a long distance relationship (Milwaukee and Houston) during law school. We, however, did not have a three-year foundation.
Long distance does not mean the death of a relationship, it just means that you have to work at it. Anybody in a successful relationship will tell you that it takes a lot of work from both parties involved. These days there are so many ways to stay connected. Additionally, there are weekends that you all may be able to spend time with another, which will also be a great mental break for you during this time. At the end of the day, you don’t have to think of this as the end of your relationship. Think of this as a “for now” situation and have an end goal in mind that you both are working towards for the future of your relationship. That way you guys have the same vision that you are working towards even if it means that you are doing it separately for the time being. Changing your outlook is everything so I encourage you to not think of this as a possible break-up, but think of it as a temporary adjustment to your current situation. Always keep in mind the reasons you love him and not the reasons you are physically separated.
~ Honestly, Rach
First, congrats on the blog. This is awesome! I’m currently trying to apply to graduate school and while I know that I have a high chance of getting in, I’m still scared. I’m scared of getting the impostor syndrome, scared that I’m not going to be good enough, scared that I won’t be able to cut it. How do you navigate getting comfortable in spaces that aren’t historically designed for you?
Dear Fearless Warrior:
If I may just be blunt and say that if you have a high chance of getting in to graduate school then you have to know that you deserve to be there just like everybody else! Also, you probably are not alone in this thinking. Everyone is scared at the beginning because so much is unknown and you don’t know what to expect. But I learned a long time ago that, if you aren’t scared then it’s not worth doing. Nothing comes easy. You can control your mindset or let it control you. Acknowledge the fear, embrace the fear, and then use it as the fire that motivates you to succeed.
I would additionally find a mentor or counselor that you can talk to when you get there who can relate to your experience. Lastly, since the start can seem overwhelming find a small study group or interest group where you can be with like-minded people that can tackle these fears with you and will build a strong support system for you. Always remember you got this! You worked hard to get here so where that like the badge of honor it is!
~ Honestly, Rach
I have been best friends with a guy for 10 years and he wasn’t very flirty in high school, but now he is. He tells me things he doesn’t tell anybody else. He is always there for me. We hang out one on one. But recently he has been flirting sexually and he calls me everyday. He wants to do things with me and we did something and he said I didn’t do it right. Does he like me more than a friend or am I just his toy? I just wanna know if I should cut him out or not.
Dear Biz Markie:
If I may begin with telling a personal story…one of my best guy friends revealed to me that he wanted to be more than friends when we were in high school. I was taken aback because we were the best of friends and there was never any inkling that he wanted to be more. Moreover, I did not want to fall into the thinking that: guys and girls can’t be friends and there is no such thing as a platonic relationship with the opposite sex. I wanted our friendship and I needed him to recognize it as just that. So I sat him down and told him I want him in my life and if he wants to remain in my life then there is only room for him to be there as a friend. Straight like that. There was no room for error, no room to interpret it any other way, and no room for any hope for more. And you know what…we are friends to this day and he never tried me again or did anything to compromise our friendship after that day.
I tell you that to say that you have to draw a clear line about how you want to move forward in your relationship with your best friend. First, you have to self reflect on how you want him in your life and what role you want him to play. Second, once you determine what that is then you have to have that conversation with him and be very matter of fact. Lastly, after you have that conversation you will know how you will navigate this relationship. Depending on what you decide, you might lose a friend, maintain a friend, gain a lover, or get both. But at the end of the day, at least you will have your answer and no regrets for being true to yourself, him, and your relationship. You will also know what to do with yourself and most importantly how you will move going forward.
~ Honestly, Rach